When your child is the one bullying

It's hard to hear that your child has hurt someone online. Your first instinct may be to defend them, or to punish hard. Neither helps much. What helps is understanding what happened and guiding your child to make it right.

Get the facts

• Ask your child calmly what happened. Listen fully.
• Look at the evidence: messages, posts, screenshots.
• Talk to the school if they contacted you.

Children often minimise: "It was just a joke", "Everyone was doing it". Acknowledge that, but don't accept it as the end of the story.

Understand why

Children bully online for many reasons:

• Going along with a group to fit in, or to avoid being targeted
• Not realising how much words hurt without seeing the other person's face
• Getting back at someone who hurt them
• Feeling powerful when they feel powerless elsewhere
• Copying behaviour they see online or at home
• Struggling with their own emotions, stress or problems

Understanding the reason doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it helps you address the cause.

Help them take responsibility

• Name the behaviour clearly. "Posting that edited photo was bullying. It hurt her."
• Build empathy. "How do you think she felt when she saw it? How would you feel?"
• Repair the harm. Delete the posts, apologise sincerely (in a way the other child and their family are okay with), and tell friends to stop sharing.
• Make a plan. What will they do next time they feel tempted, or when friends start piling on?

Consequences that teach

Choose consequences related to the behaviour and limited in time:

• Supervised use of the app involved for a few weeks
• Losing access to the specific group chat or app for a period
• Doing something kind or helpful for others

Long, total phone bans tend to cause resentment and secrecy, and don't teach the skill you want.

Cooperate with the school

Schools are required under the Anti-Bullying Act to intervene with both children. Cooperate, attend meetings, and support counselling if offered. Your child has a right to fair treatment, but the goal is to stop the harm.

Look at the bigger picture

• Are there problems at home, at school, or with friends?
• Is your child also being bullied?
• How do adults at home talk about others, online and off?
• Does your child need help managing anger or stress?

Help them become an upstander

Children who've bullied can become strong allies against bullying. See teaching kids to be upstanders.